The Breastfeeding Blues

I expected breastfeeding to be the easy part. I didn't research the subject or pay attention in prenatal class because I figured I would just give T my breast and he would take it.

I first tried nursing T about 20 minutes after he was born. As I expected, he had a built in radar and knew exactly where to go and what to do.

At about 2 a.m. that first night in the hospital, the baby blues hit. T was hungry every ten minutes. I couldn't put him down because he would just wake up again crying for food. I hadn't slept in 39 hours and I was terrified that my son was starving. The nurse came in to the room, saw my tears and offered me formula to give to T. I must have looked at her like she was an octopus because she said "Formula is not poison, you know? It will fill his belly enough for you to get some sleep." And since sleep was what I was after, I accepted the offer.

I have to admit that I regret this decision. I started to rely on formula because I could measure how much T was eating. I can't help but wonder what would have happened if I'd waited another twelve hours for my milk to come in. The convenience of formula was interfering with my milk production.

According to the April 2011 issue of Today's Parent, ninety percent of Canadian mothers start out breastfeeding but only half are still nursing at six months. One in three have stopped by three months. Pediatricians recommend that mothers breastfeed through baby's first year.

I hate when other mothers ask me if I breastfeed and I tell them I supplement with formula. They give me a look of pity. I'm sure their intentions are good but it hurts. I've had such insecurities about this issue. At one point, I took a prescription drug to increase my milk production. It worked really well but when I started to gain weight while on the drug, I figured it wasn't worth it. I healthy mommy is more important than nursing. But why do I feel like I'm less of a mother because I can't exclusively breastfeed?

T is four and a half months now. I nurse for soothing and 'snacking' purposes only. He won't go to sleep unless nursed to sleep. I keep meaning to start the weaning process but I actually enjoy the experience. And if I'm being honest, I want T to soak up all those nutrients he can . And I don't want to deprive him of this soothing method so early in the game.

If I could do it all over again, I would have waited the extra twelve hours to see if my milk would have been enough for him. He's a healthy, happy boy. The doctor has no concerns. My insecurities will likely pass and T will never judge me for feeding him formula.